Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
