Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
