I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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