she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
