Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
