Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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