Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I yelled at your uterus for you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
