tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
