I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
