Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
