i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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