According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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