So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
