Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
