Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
