Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
