im six kinds of drunk right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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