you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
