When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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