I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
