i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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