watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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