he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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