Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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