my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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