im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
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I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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