I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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