nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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