you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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