Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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