Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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