I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You made out with two different species that night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
