I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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