What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
