Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
