i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
