the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
