I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
