you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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