i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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