Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
