Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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