Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize