My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just pynch a tree in the face
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
