She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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