Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
