Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
