Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
