you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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