I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
