just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My ass is underappreciated
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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