We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
