So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
