the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
