so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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