im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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