when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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