two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
