Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
