my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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