what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
