Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
