I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
