Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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