did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
